Kyle Dunning cooks me an egg sandwich with a side of burnt crazy.
Friday nights, I’ve seen it gone
Hated years, it’s been so long
Here it is, just one last time
Now never ending, all always pending
Discovered better way to melt cheese
You’ll never know who someone really is until they have a damn good reason to let you in. And for most people, it’ll only happen when they break down from so much pain. But when they do, I’ve learned to always be prepared.
Because if you’re any like me, you’ll only get one shot at it.
Love is always our first drug of choice unless it really isn’t.
An account of the author’s shifts in clothing choice over his collegiate years (to the best of his memorized ability).
Songs of joy mean nothing without first hearing one of pain.
Money is already known to burden relationships and health but I’m all for letting you know it limits your daily enjoyment of reality.
Waiting for “it to get all better” is our vain attempt to stack the deck against an already known shuffle.
Description of the phases of this author’s writing.
funny how we plan to live for a long time but we’re assuming the calculated death age
I can count numerous people who forcibly pass away or accidentally perish well before the calculated death age
they have to
or there wouldn’t be a calculated figure
we like to assume we’re better luck and health than average
funny how we plan for worse case scenarios at work and in personal life savings
but we actually don’t believe we’ll die before average
maybe the trick is to think you’ll die well before average
unlike working really hard to “retire” early
you won’t be wasting your time collecting speculative exhibits for your bank statement that you’ll only have a decade to spend before your expected death
you’ll instead be spending it on things that make you and others feel better than now
and every minute after your predetermined premature and “irregular” age of death
will be like getting the second chance at life
that so many never knew always existed
because they didn’t actually want it
and because they didn’t actually believe it
If the mere sole highlight of your day is one thing then that doesn’t necessarily mean that thing is “great” it could just mean everything else in your life fucking sucks
lighting up every night always feels good but feels better when you hate everything you do leading up to that toke
kissing her every night always feels good but feels better when you hate every other person including yourself leading up to that kiss
dreaming of a better tomorrow self and life every night always feels good but feels better when you hate every second and inch of your body leading up to that dream
if you spend all your energy digging yourself a shitty hole so you can sit on your shitty soapbox to play your even shittier tiny violin and shittiest saddest song ever
then of course anything that triggers excessive dopamine like a drug or an intimate lover would make you feel unreasonably ecstatic
the catch though
is asking yourself is that because they’re so good to my life?
or is it because
I’m so bad to it?
You’ve already forgotten so many things you desperately wanted in life
that good grade
that fun trip
that new raise
that last girlfriend
obvious us humans adjust to our environment and this means we’ll tire of every meaningful upgrade we lust for before bed the moment we finally receive it
our emotional attention span is a steady pulse and spikely interruptions are those frequent desires that always get averaged out over the days and years
have you thought about using our boredom to your advantage
that experiencing what youre always thinking about stops you from wanting that same thing?
that experiencing what youre always scared of stops you from fearing that same thing?
So if you believe one idea concept or feeling is paining you every day
just jump right into it and experience it like you would the opposite positive layman obsession like buying your house or marrying your dream girl
so if you are fearful of losing money
just spend it and see how you eventually adjust back to normal
so if you are fearful of liking someone
just allow yourself to fully love them right now and see how you eventually adjust back to normal
we all agree infatuation with greed is just as bad as infatuation with human lust
i say it’s only unhealthy because that infatuation is a shamed feeling people keep trapped in their minds due to false insecurity of what happens “when it all comes out”
when your body blisters from too much energetic new friction you usually pop it to relieve the tension and allow it to heal
holding in your fears and feelings is no different
those fears become reality because you are tangibly making them alive as you deicde to fight their mere existence
they only exist because you identified them as existing
and they only hurt
because you gave them the power to hurt you
thoughts and feelings aren’t physical
they don’t have arms legs or any muscle
and they don’t even have a useful mind to control it
but you know who does?
You just haven’t believed in it yet
so many would rather count their days like they count their earnings
not enough for me
so much more for others
so many would rather protect their earnings like they protect their feelings
not ever comfortable enough for me
so much more fear to share with others
No one is satisfied or comfortable because they deny themselves from releasing the exact pressure that pains them every day
their fear of having nothing to worry about
when you allow yourself to stop hating what you have and find ways to enjoy what you so dearly earned
youre forced to for once actually have fun again
and then take your first non insecure step into telling yourself “maybe I am just fine”
because the true reason you’re judging yourself your money and your feelings
is not that you actually aren’t good enough don’t have enough or aren’t normal enough
it’s that you’re scared or utterly inexperienced in letting yourself feel perfectly satisfied and content
that you today finally accept it can’t get any better than now
because it is scary to accept it can’t get any better
Suddenly you can’t blame anything else then
you can only blame yourself for your pleasure and pain
And that responsibility is what really scares you
theres nothing at all dangerous or regretful about trading out your workings for something tangible or expressing how you feel about something or especially someone
but there’s always something horrendously sad and unredeeming about holding onto your desires thoughts and feelings until it’s too late or you die
those truly human sentiments are the stocks everyone decides to cash out when the market is dead
when someone else had the balls to cash theirs first but you were too occupied with wanting more before you’d even consider their offer
No one questions
sex before marriage
sex before relationship
sex before friendship
But the very requisites for any committed partnership are always
compatibility before marriage
personality before relationship
trust before friendship
Selling your lust to short your mind is what everyone accepts practices and relies upon as normal sane and proper
It’s easier to frequently bed and subsequently evade the basic tenants of an attractive personality and lifestyle
It’s harder to rarely bed and subsequently embrace the basic tenants of an attractive personality and lifestyle
Of which the latter traits all the destined single and supposedly satisfied comically admit only come with time location and an std free kiss from lady luck
But never the conscious inner desire to be more than a hot piece of ass looking for a hotter ride to upgraded lifestyle and increasingly status security
Yet the very time spent playfully on the physiciality of others often leaves you rubbing up against the hopeless friction of the exact same headless bodies in search of the exact same drug as significant other yore
a fuckable person first
a non annoying person second
and an endearing person last
By this formula everyone is happy by midnight but dreadfully depressed by morning
Because as the makeup of liquor wears off you couldn’t possibly conceive of a valid reason why you’d share space with this person other than to adoslecently please yourself with their body
So if everyone inevitably chooses “I do” after “She’ll do”
Then doesn’t it make super sexy sense
To not just be the one everyone wants to bed by the first meeting
But also have the persona and willingness to be the only one they’d want to see on their last?
Missing something already here is impossible until it’s gone from your mind
Longing for something already here is impossible until it’s gone from your body
Forgiving someone already here is impossible until they’re gone from your heart
Sometimes the only way to realize what a thing, part, or person means to your life is to first lose it entirely
And when time, space, and differential change eventually takes place
You’ll then witness whether or not that time, space, and differential change is now worth your gain or loss
to then fit it, that, or them back into your life
For if only one or none acquiesce to what it was before
Then it doesn’t just define the departure is for the forthcoming best
It also concedes the companionship was for the inevitable worst
Navel gazing, like acting selfish, is usually frowned upon. But if it’s so bad, then why do people think it will make them feel so good?
A short primer on the most significant happenings throughout the past year:
On Men and Women
On Clothing (read: vices)
On Film and TV
We all know how to love feeling good but where the hell is advice on how to love feeling bad?