terminally chill

terminally chill

funny how we plan to live for a long time but we’re assuming the calculated death age

I can count numerous people who forcibly pass away or accidentally perish well before the calculated death age

they have to

or there wouldn’t be a calculated figure


we like to assume we’re better luck and health than average

funny how we plan for worse case scenarios at work and in personal life savings

but we actually don’t believe we’ll die before average

maybe the trick is to think you’ll die well before average

unlike working really hard to “retire” early

you won’t be wasting your time collecting speculative exhibits for your bank statement that you’ll only have a decade to spend before your expected death

you’ll instead be spending it on things that make you and others feel better than now

and every minute after your predetermined premature and “irregular” age of death

will be like getting the second chance at life

that so many never knew always existed

because they didn’t actually want it

and because they didn’t actually believe it

define good without implying bad

define good without implying bad

If the mere sole highlight of your day is one thing then that doesn’t necessarily mean that thing is “great” it could just mean everything else in your life fucking sucks

lighting up every night always feels good but feels better when you hate everything you do leading up to that toke

kissing her every night always feels good but feels better when you hate every other person including yourself leading up to that kiss

dreaming of a better tomorrow self and life every night always feels good but feels better when you hate every second and inch of your body leading up to that dream

if you spend all your energy digging yourself a shitty hole so you can sit on your shitty soapbox to play your even shittier tiny violin and shittiest saddest song ever

then of course anything that triggers excessive dopamine like a drug or an intimate lover would make you feel unreasonably ecstatic

the catch though

is asking yourself is that because they’re so good to my life?

or is it because

I’m so bad to it?

dream about pain to wake in pleasure

dream about pain to wake in pleasure

You’ve already forgotten so many things you desperately wanted in life

that good grade

that fun trip

that new raise

that last girlfriend

obvious us humans adjust to our environment and this means we’ll tire of every meaningful upgrade we lust for before bed the moment we finally receive it

our emotional attention span is a steady pulse and spikely interruptions are those frequent desires that always get averaged out over the days and years

have you thought about using our boredom to your advantage

that experiencing what youre always thinking about stops you from wanting that same thing?

that experiencing what youre always scared of stops you from fearing that same thing?

So if you believe one idea concept or feeling is paining you every day

just jump right into it and experience it like you would the opposite positive layman obsession like buying your house or marrying your dream girl

so if you are fearful of losing money

just spend it and see how you eventually adjust back to normal

so if you are fearful of liking someone

just allow yourself to fully love them right now and see how you eventually adjust back to normal

we all agree infatuation with greed is just as bad as infatuation with human lust

i say it’s only unhealthy because that infatuation is a shamed feeling people keep trapped in their minds due to false insecurity of what happens “when it all comes out”

when your body blisters from too much energetic new friction you usually pop it to relieve the tension and allow it to heal

holding in your fears and feelings is no different

those fears become reality because you are tangibly making them alive as you deicde to fight their mere existence

they only exist because you identified them as existing

and they only hurt

because you gave them the power to hurt you

thoughts and feelings aren’t physical

they don’t have arms legs or any muscle

and they don’t even have a useful mind to control it

but you know who does?

you do

You just haven’t believed in it yet

good timing is only in retrospect

good timing is only in retrospect

so many would rather count their days like they count their earnings

not enough for me

so much more for others

so many would rather protect their earnings like they protect their feelings

not ever comfortable enough for me

so much more fear to share with others

No one is satisfied or comfortable because they deny themselves from releasing the exact pressure that pains them every day

their fear of having nothing to worry about

when you allow yourself to stop hating what you have and find ways to enjoy what you so dearly earned

youre forced to for once actually have fun again

and then take your first non insecure step into telling yourself “maybe I am just fine”

because the true reason you’re judging yourself your money and your feelings

is not that you actually aren’t good enough don’t have enough or aren’t normal enough

it’s that you’re scared or utterly inexperienced in letting yourself feel perfectly satisfied and content

that you today finally accept it can’t get any better than now

because it is scary to accept it can’t get any better

Suddenly you can’t blame anything else then

you can only blame yourself for your pleasure and pain

And that responsibility is what really scares you

theres nothing at all dangerous or regretful about trading out your workings for something tangible or expressing how you feel about something or especially someone

but there’s always something horrendously sad and unredeeming about holding onto your desires thoughts and feelings until it’s too late or you die

those truly human sentiments are the stocks everyone decides to cash out when the market is dead

or worse

when someone else had the balls to cash theirs first but you were too occupied with wanting more before you’d even consider their offer

The secret to being single

The secret to being single

No one questions

sex before marriage

sex before relationship

sex before friendship

But the very requisites for any committed partnership are always

compatibility before marriage

personality before relationship

trust before friendship

Selling your lust to short your mind is what everyone accepts practices and relies upon as normal sane and proper

It’s easier to frequently bed and subsequently evade the basic tenants of an attractive personality and lifestyle

It’s harder to rarely bed and subsequently embrace the basic tenants of an attractive personality and lifestyle

Of which the latter traits all the destined single and supposedly satisfied comically admit only come with time location and an std free kiss from lady luck

But never the conscious inner desire to be more than a hot piece of ass looking for a hotter ride to upgraded lifestyle and increasingly status security

Yet the very time spent playfully on the physiciality of others often leaves you rubbing up against the hopeless friction of the exact same headless bodies in search of the exact same drug as significant other yore

a fuckable person first

a non annoying person second

and an endearing person last

By this formula everyone is happy by midnight but dreadfully depressed by morning

Because as the makeup of liquor wears off you couldn’t possibly conceive of a valid reason why you’d share space with this person other than to adoslecently please yourself with their body

So if everyone inevitably chooses “I do” after “She’ll do”

Then doesn’t it make super sexy sense

To not just be the one everyone wants to bed by the first meeting

But also have the persona and willingness to be the only one they’d want to see on their last?

Recycled Trash

Recycled Trash

Missing something already here is impossible until it’s gone from your mind

Longing for something already here is impossible until it’s gone from your body

Forgiving someone already here is impossible until they’re gone from your heart

Sometimes the only way to realize what a thing, part, or person means to your life is to first lose it entirely

And when time, space, and differential change eventually takes place

You’ll then witness whether or not that time, space, and differential change is now worth your gain or loss

to then fit it, that, or them back into your life

For if only one or none acquiesce to what it was before

Then it doesn’t just define the departure is for the forthcoming best

It also concedes the companionship was for the inevitable worst

Truncated History of 2016

Truncated History of 2016

A short primer on the most significant happenings throughout the past year:

On Moments

  • Los Angeles @ Bestia – January 29th
  • Letters, philosophy, running, and slurpees – May
  • Losing my back – July
  • Losing my back again – August
  • Seattle tour guide and chauffeur – August 18th
  • Hearthstone @ The IAB Basement – October through November
  • Jai Wolf afterparty & philosophy w/ Brian Liao – November 18th
  • The Inevitable Departure – November 19th
  • Warm Welcoming – November 20th
  • The Standard Hotel and The Restaurant at Standard
  • Saint Laurent @ Rodeo Drive
  • The Return of the King @ The IAB Basement – November 25th
  • The Line Hotel and Pot Bar at Line
  • The Bancroft and The Dunning cocktails
  • Correct Pronunciation 101 – December 10th
  • Writing this post @ Milano Lofts

On Friends

  • Eunice Oh
  • Alice (what’s her real last name?) (Yuan “Yoo-an” – Eunice)
  • Andy Yang
  • Hoang Vu
  • Brian Liao
  • Daniel Lee
  • Theo Cheng
  • Salil Jain
  • GLO
  • The staff at The Line Hotel

On Men and Women

On Life

On Clothing (read: vices)

  • Saint Laurent – Hedi Slimane
  • Burberry – Christopher Bailey

On Film and TV

On Music

  • Paris – The 1975
  • With You – Dirty South (Jai Wolf Remix)
  • I Feel It Coming – The Weeknd (featuring Daft Punk)
  • You Are Free – Jimmy Eat World
  • Elevated – State Champs (acoustic version)
  • Endless Bummer – Weezer
  • Tegan and Sara (Live)