Strange is Sexy but Sane is Sweet


Love is always our first drug of choice unless it really isn’t.

[1220 words]

April 2nd – Midnight 

The chances of randomly running into someone you know well at a massive rave aren’t actually that low when you’ve been to enough

If your friends are any like minded, then you’ll probably visit the same bars, same bathrooms, and same spots to sit and stand. And if they like the same acts, then you’ll probably be at the same acts

But for someone who’s opposite of you and with a completely different group of friends, I can say the chances may be a lot worse

     Not for this girl

I knew coming into the rave that I’d probably run into her

We weren’t dating and hadn’t hung out together for a while

We never texted during any of these raves

But I still had a feeling this would be the fifth time in a row across two years she’d find me at a rave to talk to me

When you’re in loving infatuation with someone you keep track of serendipitous shit like that


August 13th – 7AM

I sat in the meeting and just like back in March and April, I began doodling for no reason

I couldn’t wait to discuss my email and thoughts on fixing the company 

The director of marketing came in and interrupted my sketching

I wasn’t even getting fired in person by my old mentor and CEO

He sent a lackey to do it for him

I was out

April 3rd – 9PM

She kept sending texts on how much she loved each part of her birthday gift

I waited for an hour after she suddenly stopped texting me before I asked her what she thought about the rest

     This isn’t what I thought it would be

     We see each other like a few times a year

     I’ll get back to you to meet up next week in person   

I waited for an hour after she sent that last text before I finally went to bed

She never did try to meet up with me  

March 20th – Noon

I sat in the meeting and just like the previous days, I began doodling for no reason

I didn’t know what the fuck I was writing but my left hand kept drawing random words and letters

I had no intention of writing anything and rarely applied pen to paper

And I suddenly started practicing my penmanship every meeting 

Then an A side and B side was drawn, separated by a big line in the middle

My hand began listing out traits of my own

It then moved over and started writing traits of her own

Whether or not I intentionally, subconsciously, or accidentally planned it so

The traits were pretty much perfectly opposite of each other

Just like our zodiac signs 

August 12th – 4AM

I sat on my bed and looked over the email

     This is the best thing I’ve ever written

In that now historical email I discussed the dirty toxic truths that were slowly destroying the one thing I loved the most in my life

I called out the CEO on his blatant nepotism

I called out the company’s roadmap as destructive and greedy

I called out the insecure negativity bleeding out from our management practices

I said I’m guaranteeing this company will go down very soon

I said it’s because of everyone who’s CC’d reading this email

I said this can all be fixed if the CEO just changed his attitude and habits

I said this can all be fixed if they followed my detailed plan I listed at the end

And now in aged hindsight and, of course, my own sober reflection

I realize this was my second hypomanic episode

April 3rd – 11AM

     This fucking plate

Hello Kitty on a plate

     This fucking plate

I purchased the plate along with a big book about zodiac astrology

She always had a thing about zodiac signs, Korean blood type compatibility, and every childish romantic test to determine whether a guy and girl could be lovers

I put the plate and book in my bag along with packs of gummy Apple O’s, gummy Lifesavers (the better ones with the fruity fillings), and those strawberry gummy strings—all things she always bought after we hung out 

She’s going to love this

August 12th – 2AM

     I was so fucking high

And I still had more to go

The party had ended and I just got home

Earlier that day I had announced I was ready to leave the company because I was losing my sanity from working 13 hour days, 7 days week, for eight months going on nine

I knew my equity would be worth millions if I shut up, didn’t move an inch from my chair, and quietly suffered until next year’s acquisition

I cut more lines on my night desk, took them, and sat on my bed alone with my laptop

I opened it up and began writing

April 2nd – 1AM

When she did find me, she was wearing the dumbest Hello Kitty glasses to be cute while high on drugs

She found me at one of the most difficult locations at the main stage

Right in front of the stage, far left

You’d have to be freakishly tall or exactly to my right to have made me out from anyone else

You’d have to be in the perfect spot at the perfect time because I was only there for ten minutes, showed up late, and left immediately afterward

I made up all these provisions and more on why this fifth encounter was special


April 2nd – 2AM

     I was so fucking high

And I still had more to go

The rave had ended and I just got home

I knew my feelings would be safe if I shut up, didn’t lift a finger, and quietly suffered until she made the first move 

I pulled out my last pill, swallowed it, and sat on my bed alone with my laptop 

I opened it up and began writing

April 3rd – 1PM

My hand was numb from the penmanship

I had written earlier the first page as a list of questions I never got the chance to ask her

     10 Things I Always Wanted to Know About You  

And underneath that sheet was a hidden second page I penned live on the first try 

     10 Things You Didn’t Know About Me

How I thought about her every day of my life

How I wanted to be there when she completed her graduate program

How since meeting her I had the motivation to overcome so many personal problems

How I secretly practiced parallel parking throughout our friendship so I’d stop stalling my car

How I was sorry for the few times I hurt her feelings

I didn’t say or hint at all I wanted to date her or even see her again

I didn’t say I “liked” her or anything explicit like that

I ended the last point with a short admission and summary of all my emotional sentiments toward her:

I told her how above all things else, I appreciated the clear fact I had the opportunity and chance to simply even meet her. That it meant a lot to my life

I told her thank you

And now in aged hindsight and, of course, my own sober reflection

I realize this was my first hypomanic episode