terminally chill

terminally chill

funny how we plan to live for a long time but we’re assuming the calculated death age

I can count numerous people who forcibly pass away or accidentally perish well before the calculated death age

they have to

or there wouldn’t be a calculated figure


we like to assume we’re better luck and health than average

funny how we plan for worse case scenarios at work and in personal life savings

but we actually don’t believe we’ll die before average

maybe the trick is to think you’ll die well before average

unlike working really hard to “retire” early

you won’t be wasting your time collecting speculative exhibits for your bank statement that you’ll only have a decade to spend before your expected death

you’ll instead be spending it on things that make you and others feel better than now

and every minute after your predetermined premature and “irregular” age of death

will be like getting the second chance at life

that so many never knew always existed

because they didn’t actually want it

and because they didn’t actually believe it

define good without implying bad

define good without implying bad

If the mere sole highlight of your day is one thing then that doesn’t necessarily mean that thing is “great” it could just mean everything else in your life fucking sucks

lighting up every night always feels good but feels better when you hate everything you do leading up to that toke

kissing her every night always feels good but feels better when you hate every other person including yourself leading up to that kiss

dreaming of a better tomorrow self and life every night always feels good but feels better when you hate every second and inch of your body leading up to that dream

if you spend all your energy digging yourself a shitty hole so you can sit on your shitty soapbox to play your even shittier tiny violin and shittiest saddest song ever

then of course anything that triggers excessive dopamine like a drug or an intimate lover would make you feel unreasonably ecstatic

the catch though

is asking yourself is that because they’re so good to my life?

or is it because

I’m so bad to it?

dream about pain to wake in pleasure

dream about pain to wake in pleasure

You’ve already forgotten so many things you desperately wanted in life

that good grade

that fun trip

that new raise

that last girlfriend

obvious us humans adjust to our environment and this means we’ll tire of every meaningful upgrade we lust for before bed the moment we finally receive it

our emotional attention span is a steady pulse and spikely interruptions are those frequent desires that always get averaged out over the days and years

have you thought about using our boredom to your advantage

that experiencing what youre always thinking about stops you from wanting that same thing?

that experiencing what youre always scared of stops you from fearing that same thing?

So if you believe one idea concept or feeling is paining you every day

just jump right into it and experience it like you would the opposite positive layman obsession like buying your house or marrying your dream girl

so if you are fearful of losing money

just spend it and see how you eventually adjust back to normal

so if you are fearful of liking someone

just allow yourself to fully love them right now and see how you eventually adjust back to normal

we all agree infatuation with greed is just as bad as infatuation with human lust

i say it’s only unhealthy because that infatuation is a shamed feeling people keep trapped in their minds due to false insecurity of what happens “when it all comes out”

when your body blisters from too much energetic new friction you usually pop it to relieve the tension and allow it to heal

holding in your fears and feelings is no different

those fears become reality because you are tangibly making them alive as you deicde to fight their mere existence

they only exist because you identified them as existing

and they only hurt

because you gave them the power to hurt you

thoughts and feelings aren’t physical

they don’t have arms legs or any muscle

and they don’t even have a useful mind to control it

but you know who does?

you do

You just haven’t believed in it yet

good timing is only in retrospect

good timing is only in retrospect

so many would rather count their days like they count their earnings

not enough for me

so much more for others

so many would rather protect their earnings like they protect their feelings

not ever comfortable enough for me

so much more fear to share with others

No one is satisfied or comfortable because they deny themselves from releasing the exact pressure that pains them every day

their fear of having nothing to worry about

when you allow yourself to stop hating what you have and find ways to enjoy what you so dearly earned

youre forced to for once actually have fun again

and then take your first non insecure step into telling yourself “maybe I am just fine”

because the true reason you’re judging yourself your money and your feelings

is not that you actually aren’t good enough don’t have enough or aren’t normal enough

it’s that you’re scared or utterly inexperienced in letting yourself feel perfectly satisfied and content

that you today finally accept it can’t get any better than now

because it is scary to accept it can’t get any better

Suddenly you can’t blame anything else then

you can only blame yourself for your pleasure and pain

And that responsibility is what really scares you

theres nothing at all dangerous or regretful about trading out your workings for something tangible or expressing how you feel about something or especially someone

but there’s always something horrendously sad and unredeeming about holding onto your desires thoughts and feelings until it’s too late or you die

those truly human sentiments are the stocks everyone decides to cash out when the market is dead

or worse

when someone else had the balls to cash theirs first but you were too occupied with wanting more before you’d even consider their offer

The secret to being single

The secret to being single

No one questions

sex before marriage

sex before relationship

sex before friendship

But the very requisites for any committed partnership are always

compatibility before marriage

personality before relationship

trust before friendship

Selling your lust to short your mind is what everyone accepts practices and relies upon as normal sane and proper

It’s easier to frequently bed and subsequently evade the basic tenants of an attractive personality and lifestyle

It’s harder to rarely bed and subsequently embrace the basic tenants of an attractive personality and lifestyle

Of which the latter traits all the destined single and supposedly satisfied comically admit only come with time location and an std free kiss from lady luck

But never the conscious inner desire to be more than a hot piece of ass looking for a hotter ride to upgraded lifestyle and increasingly status security

Yet the very time spent playfully on the physiciality of others often leaves you rubbing up against the hopeless friction of the exact same headless bodies in search of the exact same drug as significant other yore

a fuckable person first

a non annoying person second

and an endearing person last

By this formula everyone is happy by midnight but dreadfully depressed by morning

Because as the makeup of liquor wears off you couldn’t possibly conceive of a valid reason why you’d share space with this person other than to adoslecently please yourself with their body

So if everyone inevitably chooses “I do” after “She’ll do”

Then doesn’t it make super sexy sense

To not just be the one everyone wants to bed by the first meeting

But also have the persona and willingness to be the only one they’d want to see on their last?

Recycled Trash

Recycled Trash

Missing something already here is impossible until it’s gone from your mind

Longing for something already here is impossible until it’s gone from your body

Forgiving someone already here is impossible until they’re gone from your heart

Sometimes the only way to realize what a thing, part, or person means to your life is to first lose it entirely

And when time, space, and differential change eventually takes place

You’ll then witness whether or not that time, space, and differential change is now worth your gain or loss

to then fit it, that, or them back into your life

For if only one or none acquiesce to what it was before

Then it doesn’t just define the departure is for the forthcoming best

It also concedes the companionship was for the inevitable worst

Truncated History of 2016

Truncated History of 2016

A short primer on the most significant happenings throughout the past year:

On Moments

  • Los Angeles @ Bestia – January 29th
  • Letters, philosophy, running, and slurpees – May
  • Losing my back – July
  • Losing my back again – August
  • Seattle tour guide and chauffeur – August 18th
  • Hearthstone @ The IAB Basement – October through November
  • Jai Wolf afterparty & philosophy w/ Brian Liao – November 18th
  • The Inevitable Departure – November 19th
  • Warm Welcoming – November 20th
  • The Standard Hotel and The Restaurant at Standard
  • Saint Laurent @ Rodeo Drive
  • The Return of the King @ The IAB Basement – November 25th
  • The Line Hotel and Pot Bar at Line
  • The Bancroft and The Dunning cocktails
  • Correct Pronunciation 101 – December 10th
  • Writing this post @ Milano Lofts

On Friends

  • Eunice Oh
  • Alice (what’s her real last name?) (Yuan “Yoo-an” – Eunice)
  • Andy Yang
  • Hoang Vu
  • Brian Liao
  • Daniel Lee
  • Theo Cheng
  • Salil Jain
  • GLO
  • The staff at The Line Hotel

On Men and Women

On Life

On Clothing (read: vices)

  • Saint Laurent – Hedi Slimane
  • Burberry – Christopher Bailey

On Film and TV

On Music

  • Paris – The 1975
  • With You – Dirty South (Jai Wolf Remix)
  • I Feel It Coming – The Weeknd (featuring Daft Punk)
  • You Are Free – Jimmy Eat World
  • Elevated – State Champs (acoustic version)
  • Endless Bummer – Weezer
  • Tegan and Sara (Live)

novelty is a crime

novelty is a crime

sharing that one bedded moment together

all that’s pleasurable deserved or dreamt

means you two did “make it”

but also means every moment after that

can’t be shared the same way before

for now there’s a new set point

that so many lovers drive until failure to climb

and even fewer committed

realize changed at all

until far too late

she always did like mysteries

she always did like mysteries

sure you’ve already heard it’s all about timing timing timing

the plastic and non offendable label we attach to fix any result we wish was different

why after all these wise and prosperous years no one has added on the logical extension?


anyone the more literate understands it’s important or even “healthy” to pitch your tent nearest those familiar family friends and welcoming lovers

but what if it was more prudent and even more peaceful

to spend both your predictive and physical fortunes

finding the best way to leave those you previously knew to be all the familiar family friends and off putting lovers

that the key was moving away instead of moving closer

then that leaves what you didn’t have access to before in your narrow untested perspective of logistical convenience

something yet proven yet friendly yet loving

and at least completely temporarily void from what you all hated once settled before


or someone


the price of peace of mind

peace is always free yet never cheap

we dont partner our best lovers as much as their feelings embrace us

and we dont partner our worst lovers as much as our feelings betray us

so why do we settle for merely adequate and unforgiving careers

as wed rather die together ransomed by the financial stresses of life

than die alone free from the frivolous admiration of green paper numbers

lies of tomorrow are truths of today

lies of tomorrow are truths of today

ill be the first to admit unrealistic expectations piss everyone off make people stressed and usually break more things than fix

but the golden caveat no one ever grants the soapbox philosopher to take credit for

is that for any will need or want to be unrealistic

then that pre supposes the observer of that will need or want

has based their righteous request upon what’s actually right and square in front of all of us

this shared reality

otherwise called

the truth

sometimes the hand is a better lay

sometimes the hand is a better lay

if you’re together with someone because you need them more than you need to fix yourself

then you’re not fucking a partner

you’re fucking an excuse

and like any shitty excuse generated by your even shittier average joe

they always end up making no one happier all your friends trust you less and in the end make you look like more of a fool than before you tucked your balls away and tethered your mouth to her vagina

at least sexless friends aren’t afraid of letting you go or saying what’s on their mind

their happiness isn’t dependent on shared selfishness or fear of who they’ve sadly become

it’s based on making sure you stay in reality

and the only way of doing that is showing you the door you’ve honestly forgotten you walked through all those years ago

conflicting compensation

conflicting compensation

everyone is quick to point to another’s pure source of success

their singular talent luck looks or prime ruthlessness

yet by marginalizing their effect by what can only be repeated and spread through written and spoken narrative

you don’t identify why they’ve become who they are

you identify what you personally desperately lack

for how many times have you shared a common privilege with another and had the balls to admit you both only are sitting here because of that privilege?

No we are so god damn good at being individuals and scripting our own favorable histories and forthcoming futures we couldn’t possibly reveal to everyone and ourselves that our own secret sauce wasn’t so secret and wasn’t so tasteful

we love to judge we love to explain and we love to predict

we just hate judging and explaining ourselves

instead we do that to others in hopes of shedding off our own self hatred and jealousy

because if I’m worrying so much of what he has had done or could do

then I simply can’t offer any of my so called precious time and energy toward pointing my one and only tried and true judgemental finger

right back at myself

only the friendless get off pain free

only the friendless get off pain free

one difficulty of enjoying any notable friendship is the eventual decline and tragic closure from its fruitful beginnings

if the partnership had any legs to sprint into something meaningful for both of you

then that likewise admits there was something lacking for one or both of you in the beginning

at the end of the road it’s only a gain of downward change sickening growth or painful stress because at the start you benefitted from a loss of downward change sickening growth or painful stress

no one becomes friends because that person didn’t affect them for the better

those others are really acquaintances you purposely avoid don’t call back or forget after your next morning commute

now what you’re feeling today is just the contrast of all that was shared between you two at journeys start

without the ruminating pain of how this is so different so boring or so lacking in friendly effort

you wouldn’t be feeling anything at all

and that feeling is absolute proof that the person was is or still could be important later on

again no ones body wastes the energy of genuine hatred like any sincere villain upon people that mean nothing to them

those meaningless people are the guys we pass on the highway and don’t even flake a horn their way

these true friends we must leave aren’t those drive by randos

theyre people who’ve marked their territory in your heart

with much beginning unforgettable pleasure

and hopefully only terminally temporary pain

just a thought lighter

just a thought lighter

you can go through the day worrying about what you might say speak or think


you can sleep at night resting upon what you’ve already said done and shared

it doesn’t take 8 hours a night to rise a fulfilled person

it only takes a single breath of air

you just have to open your mouth

and let it out

one is enough for two

one is enough for two

the saddest flaw of us humans is when the chips are out and cards are up

we don’t fail to see what is coming nor fail to know how to react

it’s just we fail to care enough about someone else that we’d rather allow fear and our own doubt denial and duplicity to sweep up the winnings

than be strong and humble enough to take our remaining free hand

and for once in life trust we can still hold on with the other just fine

and use it not to double down within the fight of protecting what we believe is rightfully ours

but use it to share with one, one more, and another

not because they would

but because you could

you complete me

you complete me

androids only seem smart efficient and robust because iPhones seem simple dumb and weak

iphones only seem beautiful studied and pleasant because androids seem obtuse ugly and loud

the only reason your phone of choice is the best one is because you implicitly believe the other choice is not

when you’re buying one

youre selling your love to the first

and trading your pain to the second

the blind are always at risk but never bored

the blind are always at risk but never bored

I’ll be first to say happiness is a mislabeled and misunderstood feeling

it’s not something you obtain by thoughtful practical patient choice

it’s received from the opposite

it’s really what we don’t label as an emotion


something new wonderfully tangible from the act of literally not trying to get anything at all

just doing something new

now here’s where you ask why is it so many claim happiness at the end of their long profitable journeys

that feeling which confuses the masses since the birth of published and outspoken wisdom and dramatic profitable biography is not at all happiness

well friends thats relief

from what?

The self deprecating deceitful and pandering pain of mans trap from trying to earn wage to obtain something already known as free

a fools naive childish and unfettered happiness

switch hitting before the 7th stretch

switch hitting before the 7th stretch

the poors problems are solved by the rich

the richs problems are solved by the poor

the poor discuss envy of being rich as much as the rich discuss fear of being poor

there is little compromise between the two ideologies

and odder than that is the refusal of either party to stand up and just try out for the other team

perspective bodes far better in the long term than depreciating currency and appreciating jealousy

because its value isn’t determined by someone else

it’s determined by you

futures are a fine investment but poor return

futures are a fine investment but poor return

we talk about the powerful by means of symbols and aggregated future availability

what they receive from their endeavors equates to what they receive from our attention and desire

if money produces options for enjoyment love and security

what does it mean when money is stale in electronic figures behind federally protected confines?

can money be worth anything before it’s traded for anything the more tangible?

before that moment then money isn’t real

it’s as fake as your supposed dreams fears and spoken word you waste to describe the people whom possess more than you

nothing but the dirty and infectious air you release like an erroneous burp from a bloated meal

dead empty air you can’t wait to let pass